GOOGTOON: do I look fat?

Tuesday

5 Toughest Questions for a Married Man

With Valentine's Day swiftly approaching, I thought it apropos to offer a few insights into the 5 Toughest Questions a Married Man will ever hear from their wife or significant other. The odds of at least one of these questions being posed when you're out for that romantic Valentine's dinner is almost a certainty. The is especially true if you've been busy and not paying as much attention to her as usual.

Nothing new here folks - but it still bears repeating the
5 Toughest Questions for a Married Man

With my brief introduction out of the way, here now are those 5 Toughest Questions, along with the keen "insight" I've copied down some two dozen years ago:

What are you thinking about?
Do you love me?
Do I look fat?
Do you think she is prettier than me?
What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.; tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

Your response obviously bears no resemblance to a true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

Baseball.
Football.
How fat you are.
How much prettier she is than you.
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

Oh Yeah.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
That depends on what you mean by love.
Does it matter?
Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

Compared to what?
I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
A little extra weight looks good on you.
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

Yes, but you have a better personality
Not prettier, but definitely thinner
Not as pretty as you when you were her age
Define pretty
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question (the real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: Yes, I would.
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed

Mark

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