White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, is Jon Lovitz in Disguise!
With three scandals rocking the White House (Benghazi, IRS and Associated Press/DOJ), it surely didn't need another. Regardless, the press corps was stunned in disbelief today as Jon Lovitz, best known for playing
Tommy Flanagan (a lifetime member of Pathological Liars Anonymous), announced he as been acting as White House Press Secretary, Jan Carney, putting to rest mounting fears of Carney's competency.
After a tough week of fielding grueling questions and growing confusion surrounding the details of Bin Laden's death, Lovitz was reported to have said, "Keeping the charade a secret any longer would have been a charade in of itself,." Except for Yogi Berra, who remains available for comment, Lovitz statement only clouded an incomprehensible situation even further.
The masquerade fell apart just ten minutes into Lovitz's seventh press conference, sending shockwaves round the world. Unceremoniously removing a lifelike visage of White House press secretary, Jay Carney, Jon Lovitz revealed that it was none other than the actor and aspiring Subway spokesman who was the real mastermind behind the recent series of White House miscalculations.
Lovitz followed his announcement by genuflecting in royal fashion while shouting in a pronounced Shakespearean affectation, "Acting!"
Rumors of the Lovitz-Carney switch began to fly when Carney was seen frequenting SNL hangouts and then caught pleading with its producer, Lorne Michaels, for "just one more shot." Carney later brushed this off as he was merely referring to tequila.
Concerns over Carney's capacity gathered steam when Carney concluded his fifth account of the mysterious Bin Laden woman with, "She tripped.. er, pounced upon our forces and before they could recover she fired a pisto.. bazooka! Yeah, that's the ticket."
White House staffers were later at a lost to allay apprehensions over Carney's choice of Red Satin Devil PJs worn at the correspondents dinner, nor could they offer a satisfying explanation to Carny's sixth narrative that Osama's wife was in fact Morgan Fairchild.
What led to Lovitz's hasty unmasking was just as extraordinary as the debacle itself. As Lovitz put it, "Once the FBI, CIA, NSA, and the NBA all concluded that my doctored.. er, realistic photo of a dead Osama might be a fake, I sensed an escalating awareness that the press corpse (sic) was on to us."
"What else could I do," Lovitz pleaded, "prolong the scam even further? Could I live with the risk of damaging my golden career and blighting the White House in utter humiliation? So I figured, what-the-hell, why not?"
Today's Press Conference began with an unfortunate series of miscues, which an unnamed source attributed to Lovitz's fondness for drink. Lovitz, who was running an hour behind schedule, stood at his podium, downing a Subway foot-long, while a neon sign bearing the sub-maker's namesake glowed behind him.
When Chip Reid of CBS News declined Lovitz's request to flash a "church key" for his Budweiser, Lovitz broke it open atop his lectern, spraying beer throughout the crowded James S. Brady press briefing room. Reid also declined Lovitz's offer to "take a swig," noting that,"It's not that I am averse to sharing a brewski with the PS, but a good portion of Carney's sub was bobbing flotsam amid the backwash."
Fox News correspondent, Wendell Goler, voiced his exception to Carney's libation, as well as inquiring as to the appropriateness of making the entire press corps wait as he devoured his lunch. Lovitz responded by swiftly brandishing his fist while taunting him: "See my pinky, see my thumb, see my fist, you better get the 'expletive' out-a-here you right wing O'Reilly lap dog!"
Goler remained undaunted by Lovitz's threat, though it was later reported a lingering pungency hovered in the vicinity of Goler's press chair.
The press conference quickly got underway only to discover Carney inexplicably wearing a turban and beard. With the press room in deafening silence and mouths agape, Carney began to wax on philosophically, explaining that "becoming like them" was one of the options the White House considered to quell anger amongst Muslim extremists and to show deference to the plight of their fallen leader.
The ploy was later discarded for fear that President Obama would be unable to grow a beard as full or as quick as Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton.
It was Suzanne Malveaux of CNN who then began a round of harsh criticisms. "Mr. Carney, wouldn't you say the political grapevine has been gushing in over exuberance to cite picayune faults regarding the lucid and coherent narrative with which the official White House account of Osama Bin Laden's demise has been so accurately and consistently articulated?" Carney abruptly began to take exception to Malveaux's inquiry before his political advisor broke in to cut him off and speak to his ear.
Lovitz's sheepishly checked his outrage and was about to agree with Malveaux when Mike Emanuel of Fox News injected, "If I may followup on that. In the film industry a 'take' is defined as 'one of a series of recordings or interpretations from which the best will be selected for release.' Mr. Carney, do you see a corollary with the manner in which dozens of "takes" are created to make a movie and the two dozen or so versions the White House has released to explain what actually transpired at the time of the Special Ops capture of Bin Laden and his subsequent execution?"
Lovitz's response was decisive and elucidative, if not bold and daring: "No!" After a long pensive pause, Lovitz proceeded - "I don't – Mike."
Then, unexpectedly, with no seemingly justification to warrant it, Lovitz took on the persona of Marlon Brando's Godfather: "Tell me Mike, do you spend time with your family? Good. Because a man that doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man."
Savannah Gutherie of NBC spoke up, "Yes, Mr. Corleone, er uh, Mr. Carney, could you please speak to the nature of the Special Ops strategic objective to Bin Laden?" Don Vito replied: "We made him an offer he couldn't refuse. Now, get me some butter."
Emanuel, frustrated by being ignored, persisted: "Please Mr. Carney, if you would address my question? What's your latest take on events today?"
Lovitz: "Oh yes, Emanuel, thank you for your 'take' on things, but I'm a tad unclear with regards to the corollary? Are we talking about the heart Mike? If so, I don't see any heart issue at all here - it's just a lot of blood and guts..."
At this point it was evident to all that Lovitz suddenly remembered something. He stared agog, at what appeared to be his watch, for what seemed to be a good three minutes, all the while mouthing something incoherently. First reports were it sounded like he was whispering "Rose Bud." But Lovitz's eyes swiftly cleared, he stood tall and stoutly ventured on.
"Firefight! It was a FIREFIGHT for sure. That's what happened, yeah. A FIREFIGHT with which the FIREFIGHTERS fought throughout the fire while fighting. We fought fire with fire and our fighters fought the fire, fighting the fire in as much as they could, er, engage to fight...a firefight for sure. Yeah, that's how it was - a firefight! You betcha!"
Caren Bohano of Reuters jumped-in and inquired: "Mr. Carney could you clarify your statement? Are you saying there was a firefight?"
CBN's David Brody interrupted Caren's keen observation by remarking that, "No one need pay heed to Carney's words – they are written on his left palm!"
Brody later reported that he spotted scribblings on Carney's hand, which appeared to read, "Repeat FIRE Fight." "When I then challenged Carney to explain the discrepancy between his talking points and the Special Ops briefing," Brody said, "that's when the press room went black. Pandemonium ensued."
"Object lesson!" hollered Lovitz. He was once again speaking Shakespearean: "Under each one of your press seats is a pair of night goggles. Carefully, but quickly, don them upon your face and experience the murky world of your gallant men in arms." At which time several loud thuds were heard as foreheads collided in the pitch darkness.
For those who were not knocked unconscious the room was awash in an eerie green light. "Such is the fog of war, my dear compatriots," Lovitz bellowed, "such is the fog of war!"
It was Mark Knoller (CBS News) groping at the rear who stumbled upon a light switch. When the overheads came back on, two things became readily apparent: 90% of the reporters had their hands in the remaining 10% of pockets, and Carney was wearing a helmet made of watermelon rind.
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| Carney in melon helmet while embracing spigotted melon. |
When asked why Carney was wearing a large fruit on his head, Lovitz answered, "It's a melon for my melon." At which time Lovitz revealed a large watermelon with a tap-handle spigot. Bill Plante of CBS questioned the function of the spigot. Lovitz responded, "It's where I suckle my magic juice."
It was at this juncture, according to a general consensus, when the White House deception began to unravel.
It was Rob Reynolds of Al Jazeera who noticed it at first: "Carney's nose, um, well it was Carney's nose - it seemed to be migrating to the left. Feeling somewhat aghast, I blurted out, 'Your nose! It's slipping! What's happening to your nose!'"
Lovitz, as seen in press footage gone viral on YouTube, then appears to be vigorously digging for gold. What we did not know, but were just moments from discovering, these were the last ditch efforts to keep a crumbling scheme alive.
While attempting to secure his slipping nose, Lovitz then realized that a highly suspicious press corps necessitated a quick cover-up – he followed it up with an impromptu demonstration of the finer points of rolling nose contents. The press room moaned in disgust – the make-do subterfuge appeared to be working.
It was again CBN's David Brody, however, who noticed the deception. He demanded of Carney, "Show us the booger!"
The press room suddenly became silent as all eyes strained to peer closely at the contents of Carney's fingers. Then another voice shouted: "Yes, Carney, why don't you show show us the booger." It wasn't long before a chorus of voices joined in, "Show us the booger! Show us the booger! Show us the booger!"
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| Carney feels unders his chin for syllable accents as his nose slips away. |
Oddly, the press corps never could agree on the which word to emphasize in their chant. The left-minded press preferred "show." The even father left stressed "us." While the scant few on the right shouted "booger!" In the end, "us" won out.
Nevertheless, it became readily apparent, there was no booger to be revealed.
Lovitz, we learned, was simply rolling spirit gum. The same prosthetic adhesive which failed to affix the personality transplant to Harry Reid in 2009.
Lovitz later confessed he contemplated perpetuating the farce but quickly realized that an ensuing chant of "We demand a taste test," would expose the unsalted glue-ball for what it was.
He also admitted he considered promptly swallowing the evidence, but that too was abandoned as the thought of a stomach pumping at the hands of Rand Paul was distressing. Besides, Lovitz added, "I had already exceeded my daily caloric intake."
It was at this point, seeing that his cover was all but blown, Lovitz ripped Carney's head off, reluctantly conceding to the world that he had been playing the role of a lifetime: "I've always played muttonheads, charlatans and rapscallions. Carney was a role made in heaven."
When Brody was asked later what gave the Lovitz/Carney scheme away. Brody replied, "I, like most Americans, am proficient at disposing nasal debris. Lovtiz's mucus balled much too quickly to be of any real substance. And if there's anything I've gathered over the years of sitting idly in the press room, it's how to detect a nasty booger."
Jim Carney and the White House were unavailable for comment.
On a related story, giving credence as to why Steve Carell exited his hit comedy show, The Office, rumors are swirling regarding his 2009 purchase of mask from the same Hollywood special effects artist. It's said to be of a very presidential looking Obama...
Mark Jordan
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